I am a talker.  A lot of people like that about me.  I can strike up a conversation with most people in about 10 seconds flat.  Some would see me as confident.  Matter of fact, I am amazed at how many people see me that way.  There are those who don’t seem to like the talkative and outgoing type.  With me naturally being that way, I get the sense I am not well received by some.  I do not see myself as overbearing, just talkative and yes, in some ways strong.  That strength shows through but I honestly hope and pray I never overpower people.  That is not my heart.  My heart is to encourage and love others, and provide a safe place for them when they are with me.

There is a dad on my son’s soccer team that seems like a super nice guy, very likable.  At first I would tell my husband how nice he and his wife seem, and that I could see us hanging out with them.  I noticed over time, Mr. Nice would steer clear of me.  Not only that, but he has said one or two things jokingly,  implying I am strong, and do I daresay…overbearing.

If I  hear a joke about me being overbearing, I go a bit nuts on the inside.  I have to say, someone joking about me being overbearing is not a joke in my book.  It is their nice way of saying they see me as overbearing and they don’t like it.  I immediately feel defensive, hurt, misunderstood, and angry.  I want to pull away.  I want to stay away from people who see me in what I consider a negative light.

There is a catch in my little example, like I have already stated, Mr. Nice is a dad on my son’s soccer team.  If this was all happening in my own little world, I could walk away from Mr. Nice and never have my feelings hurt by him.  I can’t.  My husband coach’s the soccer team, my son obviously plays on it, we see each other every week.  What is a girl to do?

My chameleon side spoke this morning.  My chameleon said, “Go to Mr. Nice at the soccer game today and show him your gentle, passive side.  Maybe he will be more comfortable with you that way.  Don’t show him your strong, outgoing side.”  There is a gentle, passive side that resides in me.  To call on that part of me is not fake.  It’s pulling from my complex personality traits that make up the whole of who I am.  It is being a chameleon though, it’s changing how I present myself to others around me for safety and security so I don’t get hurt…right?

My dilemma is I want to be and do the healthy and right thing, and it’s knowing what that is.  On one hand, I think there is nothing wrong with tapping into that part of myself that will help me better relate to others.  On the other hand, I think I should be who I am  and accept the fact that not everyone is going to always like me for me.

I am headed out the door to my son’s first soccer game of the season in about 10 minutes, and Mr. Nice will be there.  I have not decided if he will see the outgoing or the quiet version of me.  I will say if I cannot be the natural version of myself with someone, then I don’t know if I can connect with them and be close.  Hmmmm, that gives me something to think about.  If I am a chameleon with someone, even though it may mean they like me more or are more comfortable with me, do I really want to be close to them?  I doubt it, not if I cannot be the relaxed me, the me that does not have to change my colors so I can feel safe with them.  Maybe Mr. Nice will see my outgoing side and I will just have to accept that he is not okay with me.  It almost seems either way I go, whether I am a chameleon or my natural self, the end result is practically the same.

I’m tired of beating myself up.  I’m tired of devaluing myself for the value of others.  I am tired of bending so others don’t break.  I’m tired of feeling judged by others.  I’m tired of believing and accepting the judgments of others.  I’m tired of basing my self worth on the superficial whims of the world around me.  I’m tired of changing who I am because I am not anchored in who I am.  I tired of being a chameleon to try and fit in with others.  I am tired of doing what I believe is right to have others wrong me without even considering it.  I am tired.

I want to finally figure out who I am.  I want to not only like who I am, but love who I am, be proud of who I am, be able to hold my head high.  I want to be at peace with myself, regardless of how I am seen by others.  I want to be calm.  I want to feel like my feet are firmly planted.  I don’t want to feel as though my footing depends on my circumstances or the people around me.  Instead of reacting to people and life, I want to live my life with purpose.

I want to figure a few things out.  I want to figure some things out about me, the world around me, and how it all fits together.  My plan is to explore, discover, heal, learn, and let go so I can be the person God made me to be.  I want to blossom.